Celtic, Food, Golf & Stuff

Reports have reached me that some readers of this blog think it's too downbeat and gloomy. I don't happen to agree, but I'll do my best to perk it up a bit and lighten the mood.

The end of the footy season and, hopefully, the gradual reduction in my golf handicap might make this a little bit easier. I also plan to eat very well during the summer so I'll be eager to share tales of culinary pleasures and recount the inevitable kitchen nightmares.

I reserve the right, however, to offer my opinion on anything, which I believe merits a public airing - the wonders of public transport, the interesting approach to customer service adopted by many UK businesses and the increasingly peculiar behaviour of our fellow citizens.

As a starter for ten, I should like to highlight the comedy value to be had watching a group of people boarding an Easyjet flight. It beggars belief that anyone possessing brain cells, which can be counted on more than one hand would cough up the £8 required for "speedy boarding".

My only experience of this particular "perk" was a few years ago when travelling on a cold wet January morning. When the call was made for "speedy boarders" (SBs) to come forward, there ensued what can only be described as a mild scuffle during which, a variety of minor injuries were sustained. While no clear acts of violence were witnessed or reported, there was a good deal of elbow protrusion, assertive blocking (obstruction in football parlance) and liberal use of pointy briefcases. In addition to these "yellow card" offences, there was also quite bit of intimidatory glaring from non-speedy boarders (NSBs) clearly irked by their diminished status in the Easyjet pecking order. Glaswegians, wary of airport queue jumpers at 6am, can be decidedly less friendly than in the tourist brochures.

Having run this gauntlet of hate, I congratulated myself on making that crucial SB investmemt, which guaranteed that I would be whisked away from the great unwashed and offered first dibs on the best seats. I smugly boarded what I assumed to be the SB bus (ie. a bus earmarked for the exclusive use of fully paid up SBs). Moments after sitting down, said bus was flooded by NSBs who promptly took up strategic positions by the door, thus complicating my disembarkation plans and making a nonsense of the whole SB concept. Upon arrival at the foot of the aircraft steps, there was another unseemly scramble, which resulted in yours truly staring at the backs of NSBs and with rain trickling down my neck. From that day, I have never purchased another ticket for the speedy boarding experience.

As many will know, Easyjet have since become more sophisticated in the area of crowd control and Speedy Boarders, Group A passengers (on-line checked in) and Group B passengers (airport checked in) are now streamed into queues in departure lounges prior to boarding. This works pretty well at Glasgow and Luton where "queue envy" manifests itself mostly in sneering, but very badly at Stansted, where no queues exist and an undignified scrum takes place for every flight.

With no queues to regulate passenger behaviour, the more deranged commuters, of which there are many, choose to ignore the conformity of the boarding sequence; SBs, Group A, then Group B; and lurch forward regardless in a blatant attempt to dupe the Easyjet groundstaff by pretending that they are either deaf or have simply forgotten the alphabet.

It really is hilarious to watch. A large group of besuited men and women, inching forward shoulder to shoulder, eyeing each other suspiciously, trying to see each other's boarding cards - all heading for a doorway in the corner and getting more agitated, and more assertive in their shuffling, as they see others gaining any advantage in the boarding stakes.

The resulting fracas resembles a scene from a movie where a crowd is gathered around a body splattered on a pavement following a jump from a tall building.

This would all be slightly more understandable if it was Singapore Airlines or Fly Emirates, where the level of on-board amenity might be worth getting your toes trod on by a stilleto - but Easyjet?! For a one hour flight?!

Some people need to take a look at themselves. Very funny though.

Well it's all over at last. We simply didn't deserve to win it and TFOD managed to put a run together and took advantage of our dreadful loss of form and focus during the last three months. Fair enough.

Yesterday's performance, while badly distorted by news filtering through from Tayside, was indicative of what is wrong with us - at least on the park. Here's my take on it.

Firstly, we are utterly predictable in every way. We play 4-4-2 and we stay in that shape regardless. In fact, we are so obsessed with team shape that opposing defenders must look forward to playing us. We never ask enough questions of them. They are never stretched by a burst of pace, an intelligent run off the ball, a quickfire one-two or someone doing the unexpected - like shooting. The ball is shunted from side to side and back to front until someone (usually Gary Caldwell) sees a chance to give it to McGeady or Nakamura in a bit of space. Then our two most creative players are crowded out by a posse of defenders.

Assuming they do have a chance to look up and make a pass, they have few options. Their team-mates are invariably standing like statues watching and waiting for the ball to be given to them, at which point they will be promptly tackled and dispossessed by the opponent standing on their toes.

Astonishly, no-one has the intelligence or the courage to make a run, create some space, make the defenders work. No one seems to know that playing football doesn't always involve having the ball. It's mind-boggling for a club of Celtic's stature and supposed football philosophy that first team players do not appear to have any grasp of the concept of movement off the ball. I was taught this playing Boys Guild football at Under 14 level! Surely Gordon Strachan and his coaches have heard of it? It makes me so mad!!!!!!!

Second, we cannot seem to score unless it's from a set piece or a tap in from inside the box. Not one member of our team has the necessary combination of vision, confidence and technique to shoot and score from outside the box on a regular basis. Fact.

Murdoch, Gemmell, McStay, Van Hooijdonk, Moravcik, Thompson, to name only a few, could all do it. Naka had (note past tense) the vision and technique, but no confidence. Even Maloney, a decent ball striker, does not pose a regular threat from open play. As for the rest, forget it. Again, what are the coaches doing here? It appears that Gordon Strachan would rather they passed the ball to death. Ball retention is better that scoring it seems.

Third, we have players who are simply not good enough. I wouldn't shed a single tear if Samaras, JVOH, Naylor, Hartley or McManus, never pulled on the hoops again. Brown's game intelligence and composure still give me concerns. McGeady has talent and technique, but I'm beginning to think he's not a team player. Hinkel is no better than average. It's hard to be critical of McDonald given that he's being doing the work of three men this season, but we all know he's not the real deal. Boruc, Caldwell, Loovens, O'Dea and Crosas are the only ones I'd really want to keep, but if we could get anything over £5m for either Brown, McGeady or the Holy Goalie, I'd take it. We could use that £15m to buy at least two good quality first team picks and blend them with the remaining core.

Crucially, though, we need to bring some of the young guys in from a reserve side which has won its league for the last eight seasons. You can't tell me there isn't anyone from that crop better than Samaras or Naylor, for example.

We also need a new leader and head coach. Gordon Strachan has been successful and he has aspired to play a certain style of football. The truth is, however, that we have gone backwards this season and I suspect he has now lost the confidence and backing of a large percentage of the moderate, pro-Strachan element of which I have been, hitherto, a member. It's best that he moves on and makes way for new thinking. Who next? I have no easy answer to that one, but I'm available if required.

Finally, we need our board to wake up to the fact that fiscal success cannot displace football success as the primary target for the club. Increased brand awareness in the Far East and a healthy balance sheet are fine, but the source of pride in our club is to be found mainly in what happens on the park. No genuine Celtic supporter wants the club to go back the poverty of the pre-McCann era, but they do want any future strategy to include sufficient investment to assemble a team capable of lifting their spirits and winning prizes with a bit of style. It's not rational. Fans want it all. Entertainment, trophies, survival and prosperity. Fans are customers - and the customer is king.

Managing a major football club like Celtic is a delicate balance of fiscal acumen, achieving results and providing entertainment. The board must now recalibrate the business model and adjust its attitude to risk in order to achieve the right balance. The risk-averse approach embraced by the Plc board has achieved good results, but it is no more sustainable in the long-term than the cavalier approach the same Plc board denounces. It cannot be beyond the wit of this board to design a strategy which accommodates both good fiscal controls and the aspirations of the supporters.

Next season will be a huge test of character for all concerned and the response to this season's disappointing end will determine much.

SP. Wee Gordon has just resigned. Sad, but I feel it's for the best.