Reports have reached me that some readers of this blog think it's too downbeat and gloomy. I don't happen to agree, but I'll do my best to perk it up a bit and lighten the mood.
The end of the footy season and, hopefully, the gradual reduction in my golf handicap might make this a little bit easier. I also plan to eat very well during the summer so I'll be eager to share tales of culinary pleasures and recount the inevitable kitchen nightmares.
I reserve the right, however, to offer my opinion on anything, which I believe merits a public airing - the wonders of public transport, the interesting approach to customer service adopted by many UK businesses and the increasingly peculiar behaviour of our fellow citizens.
As a starter for ten, I should like to highlight the comedy value to be had watching a group of people boarding an Easyjet flight. It beggars belief that anyone possessing brain cells, which can be counted on more than one hand would cough up the £8 required for "speedy boarding".
My only experience of this particular "perk" was a few years ago when travelling on a cold wet January morning. When the call was made for "speedy boarders" (SBs) to come forward, there ensued what can only be described as a mild scuffle during which, a variety of minor injuries were sustained. While no clear acts of violence were witnessed or reported, there was a good deal of elbow protrusion, assertive blocking (obstruction in football parlance) and liberal use of pointy briefcases. In addition to these "yellow card" offences, there was also quite bit of intimidatory glaring from non-speedy boarders (NSBs) clearly irked by their diminished status in the Easyjet pecking order. Glaswegians, wary of airport queue jumpers at 6am, can be decidedly less friendly than in the tourist brochures.
Having run this gauntlet of hate, I congratulated myself on making that crucial SB investmemt, which guaranteed that I would be whisked away from the great unwashed and offered first dibs on the best seats. I smugly boarded what I assumed to be the SB bus (ie. a bus earmarked for the exclusive use of fully paid up SBs). Moments after sitting down, said bus was flooded by NSBs who promptly took up strategic positions by the door, thus complicating my disembarkation plans and making a nonsense of the whole SB concept. Upon arrival at the foot of the aircraft steps, there was another unseemly scramble, which resulted in yours truly staring at the backs of NSBs and with rain trickling down my neck. From that day, I have never purchased another ticket for the speedy boarding experience.
As many will know, Easyjet have since become more sophisticated in the area of crowd control and Speedy Boarders, Group A passengers (on-line checked in) and Group B passengers (airport checked in) are now streamed into queues in departure lounges prior to boarding. This works pretty well at Glasgow and Luton where "queue envy" manifests itself mostly in sneering, but very badly at Stansted, where no queues exist and an undignified scrum takes place for every flight.
With no queues to regulate passenger behaviour, the more deranged commuters, of which there are many, choose to ignore the conformity of the boarding sequence; SBs, Group A, then Group B; and lurch forward regardless in a blatant attempt to dupe the Easyjet groundstaff by pretending that they are either deaf or have simply forgotten the alphabet.
It really is hilarious to watch. A large group of besuited men and women, inching forward shoulder to shoulder, eyeing each other suspiciously, trying to see each other's boarding cards - all heading for a doorway in the corner and getting more agitated, and more assertive in their shuffling, as they see others gaining any advantage in the boarding stakes.
The resulting fracas resembles a scene from a movie where a crowd is gathered around a body splattered on a pavement following a jump from a tall building.
This would all be slightly more understandable if it was Singapore Airlines or Fly Emirates, where the level of on-board amenity might be worth getting your toes trod on by a stilleto - but Easyjet?! For a one hour flight?!
Some people need to take a look at themselves. Very funny though.